The OhMiBod: Subwoofer of Destiny!

As a female writer and as the only female writer on TEK, I basically understood that reviewing something like the OhMiBod would leave me naked (I sought better terminology, deal with it.) amongst the throngs of men who would see me as the “Chick Who Reviewed the Vibrator”. A few people voiced their concerns and while I put thought into it, I figured it made no sense to be a tech journalist if I didn’t have my own rogue sensibilities. For the delicate eyes for some of our less hedonistic readers though, our review will behind a jump tag.

I admit that I was nervous about reviewing the OhMiBod at first and this is due to the fact that my reviewing history had been geek toys that were all quite Unisex when you get down to it. As I sat at my dining room table, assembling a futuristic vibrating toy - a few things clamored into my already full skull. Is this where we’d gone? Is this how interested we were in sex that we brought our iPods and MP3 players into the mix? Now, see I could personally answer this question but my thoughts are always aimed at the general public. Who would buy this? What person would be the general user of the OhMiBod?

I slid the pretty designer batteries inside (They’re called “Dead Batteries” but more for their fancy pictures and less because they’re useless power cells.) and plugged into my Sansa. I shuffled through the songs and found one in particular that made me chuckle; “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince. For those who know the song, it starts off kinda slow and I curiously narrowed my eyes and stared off while I awaited the song to pick up. As soon as the bass line picked up, my eyes popped open and I stared at the white column in my hand - It was thumping rather hard! This was a rather tame song instrumentally (Lyrically, he wants to slip on a purple banana until they put him in the truck.), so I started shuffling through my playlists and giggling maniacally at each song that produced the best results.

After extensive research in which songs I would put together, I then retreated to a more private place and decided that more journalistic insight was needed. I placed the cold plastic between my knees and squinted down at it as I reclined back against my bed. Just how was I supposed to do this? I scrunched my nose and moved forward, letting it rest between my thighs but a good safe distance away from the place of it’s intended purpose. Consider me a coward, but I wasn’t quite sure that I’d be able to pay attention to the right things if I was moaning and gasping for air. I powered up the Sansa and winced as I plugged the splitter for the OhMiBod and my earphones into the tiny MP3 player. The first song that started up was “Freetime” by Kenna. With a resounding bass thump from the moment the song starts up, my hand slapped hard against my gasping mouth! Whoa! Seriously?! It was going to throb that intensely? I was a few inches away and already I was quite sure it might mean death if I put it any closer.

I gulped and brought my hand back down to pick up the box to the OhMiBod, glancing over the directions while the subwoofer pounded between my thighs. Did I have it turned up too far? Was I just that out of the pleasure loop that I was shocked by this turn of events? What exactly was going on here? On the directions, it says that you should start with your volume at 50% and then if you require more intensity that you should raise the volume. I then snapped up the Sansa and peeked at the volume bar.

It was at 30%.

Sighing heavily and rolling my eyes at just how sensitive I was, I decided to test out just how much further it would go if I brought it up to the level you were supposed to start at. Once at the half-way mark, I shivered and snatched up the phallic subwoofer and tossed it gently to the foot of my bed. I stared at it as I whipped my headphones off and tried to catch my breath, biting hard on my lower lip. I honestly did not forsee it working that well and since I was only using it on my thighs, my nervous disposition clenched my knees together and swore it would never get any closer again. I kept scrunching my nose and dipping a toe towards it though as time progressed. In a stand-off with a music powered vibrator for what seemed like hours, I finally stood up and brushed myself off. No, it wouldn’t get the best of me. Well, not yet at least. Before I’d write this, I’d end up “researching” at least four or five times - unbeknownst to the scared and trembling reviewer I’ve detailed above.

The OhMiBod does exactly what it’s intended to do - it vibrates viciously the beat of whatever music you feed into it. With the accompaniment of a listening device (Headphones, earbuds, base dock, speakers, etc.) you can get off to music in ways that you truly never figured you would. This isn’t some cheaply designed sex-toy by Vivid and it’s not something that should be taken lightly and given as a novelty because it will never be used as a novelty. For a girl who is massively into anything tech-related, it’s the first toy I’ve received that will be held as the holy grail of subwoofers for my nether-regions. Didn’t know you needed one of these, did you?

Well, you do.